Is It A Bruise or A Tattoo?

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  • Is It A Bruise or A Tattoo?
    Is It A Bruise or A Tattoo?
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Does anyone make forearm sleeves made of armor or chainmail? If so, they could make a fortune selling them to the AARP crowd as long as they came equipped with some kind of cooling device. It seems like I'm hot all the dang time. And NO it's not hot flashes. I'm way past that, not that I'd admit it. And if you bring it up, I'll beat you with my cane. Just kidding. But if I had a cane, I'd beat you with it for reminding me I'm old. We start having memory lapses when we reach a certain age for good reason.

I've always been bad about bumping into furniture, doorways, dogs, grass, butterflies, etc., but it seems to have gotten worse since I joined the retired generation

Ȧpparently my body has lost its ability to sense I'm about to walk into a wall. Most of us are born with this aptitude which helps people like me from treating everything around them like a game of human bumpercars gone astray. Seriously, my forearms look like I've either been in a fight with every inanimate object in the universe or David's taking potshots while I'm sleeping.

I remember when I turned 40 then 50. I was so relieved by the fact that whenever I'd inevitably bump into anything bigger than an atom I'd be happy to get a real bruise and not what I like to call old people's bruises. Old people bruises are the ones that look all purple from the get go. I'd bang myself, wait for evidence of my clumsiness and let out a sigh of relief. I know that's a weird thing to focus on but what can I say? Old retired people have a lot of time on their hands.

I've kept my upper arms in hiding for the last 10 years or so due to my inability to keep a constant weight which has resulted in a serious case of batwings. Batwings are not attractive. The least they could do is help keep me cool in the summer whenever I raise my arms. Heaven knows they keep waving in the breeze for several seconds after I've stopped. Now, it's gotten to the point that I feel the need to keep my forearms under wraps as well.

I see the stares at my bruises. I can tell that the wheels are turning in some people's heads, wondering what the heck happened. (Some people's hamsters died years ago, but that's another subject for another day.) I'm tempted to try and pass them off as tattoos. Wouldn't that be a hoot?

I can picture tattoo artists brushing up on realistic old people bruises, dark brown age spots and wrinkles. (I've seen worse tattoos.) Forty-year-olds (or younger if they were so inclined) could get all tatted up and claim 'senior citizen' discounts. The fact that it'd take a good 20-25 years to make back the money they spent on tattoos, 10 percent discounts at a time, would probably never cross their minds.

My talent for tripping over nothing is in a class all by itself. Apparently, it runs in the family as my sister also possesses this ability. I've been known to literally trip on air. Those darn air molecules are tricky little devils. How else can I explain it when I can be walking alongside someone and trip on the same surface they're walking on but I'm the only one who face plants?

Just the other day I was climbing the cement stairs of an old football stadium that was built probably 60 years ago and managed to break my big toenail. I've always kept my toenails super short so that takes a special kind of coordination. I've got it bandaged up right now, hoping there will be a miracle or a divine intervention and it'll heal itself. In the meantime, there goes my plans for a mani-pedi to celebrate my birthday. Guess I'll stick to the manicure for now.

My timing for injuries has always be faultless. Bring on a special occasion, I'll hurt myself. Sigh.

So anyway, believe it or not, on the shopping website that has everything, one can actually purchase suits of armor and chainmail! I kid you not. Who'd a thunk it? I guess I never thought about the fact that all those people who put on the medieval fair had to get that stuff from somewhere.

I'd be tempted to buy one to keep from getting all old people bruised up and lose weight from sweating like fat gal in the summer heat. On second thought, unless it came equipped with built-in air conditioning I guess I'll have to take a pass.

Maybe I'll come to embrace my colorful new look.