The hottest days of summer seem to have settled in and let me say this about that: I HATE IT!
Listen, Mother Nature, and listen good: I don't like stepping out of my door and feeling like I've stepped into a blast-furnace. High temperatures and a hot wind do not mix. Do you understand, Mother Nature? Cut it out. There's no reason, in my opinion, to let it get hotter than the mid-70s so I'd appreciate it if you'd get your thermostat fixed pronto.
I'm a fall/spring kind of gal who appreciates cool temps and cool breezes. I can bundle up to get warmer but when it's hot it's HOT and that's that. Sheesh!
Why couldn't I have been born in a cooler state? Whatever possessed my ancestors to keep moving west and south? It makes me wish I could go back in time, waylay them, and say, "You know, this state (doesn't matter much which one as long as it has low humidity and never gets over 80 degrees) looks like a fine place to put down roots. Why don't we settle here?”
Don't get me wrong - I love being an Oklahoman and a Southern gal, with all the wonderful down-home meals we have, but I'd just like to be a native of a slightly colder state.
Now, I know what y'all must be thinking. You're thinking 'she's nuts.' And you might be right. Hot weather tends to scramble what little cognitive skills I have left. Anyway, without hot weather how would we enjoy swimming, fishing, skiing, boating, golfing, or any other so-called fun summertime activities, you ask? My answer is - I don't.
Well, except for the 4th of July, I don't enjoy any of that stuff if it means I'll be hot and sweaty. A fat girl like me can't take the heat. The only reason I'm fond of this particular summertime holiday is that I get to sit in the shade, drink cold pop, fan myself, and watch others blow up hundreds of dollars worth of fireworks I did not pay for. Win-win.
Besides that, my family won't let me near the fireworks anymore so I'm forced to watch it. Geez. Set one box of fireworks off by accident and your family bans you for life.
What was I writing about? Oh, yeah.
I never could figure out why anyone thought lying out in the sun, smearing themselves with suntan oil and sweating profusely could count as a fun activity. I'd just as soon get root canal surgery. I never did get a tan. All I ever did was burn and peel. I spent the entire summer looking like a blonde, boiled lobster.
One year, when David and I were still youngish and foolish, we decided to take water skiing lessons. Big mistake. A little tip: Never take lessons from someone named Goofy by watching his video "The Art of Skiing." We both ended up looking like him, trying to balance on the skis, not lose our grip, or bathing suits and not end up with a water enema. We both came to the same conclusion at the end of the day.
Here's what David had to say on the subject: "I tried it once to see if I liked it then tried it again to confirm what I decided in the beginning. I hate skiing." I concur. How can that much work be fun?
I don't mind boating as long as I'm sitting IN the boat and the boat belongs to someone else. If it were a houseboat, that would be even better since a houseboat is essentially an RV on water. I could handle that as long as it came with an air conditioner and a potty.
But back to the hot weather. I've just never been fond of sitting outside and serving as an all-you-can-eat buffet for all the flying critters who think I'm a delicious feast. The sweat seems to excite them even more. I guess it's their idea of a marinade for people.
The only way the family could get David and me out into the wilderness would be by offering us the use of their RV since we're too old to sleep on the ground and I simply cannot do without an air-conditioner, shower, indoor potty and a soft bed.
So please, Mother Nature, have mercy and turn the temperature down to at least a nice, reasonable 75 degrees. I'd even settle for 80 if you'd please turn off the blast-furnace-type wind. Please. I'm begging you. I'm melting here and it ain't a pretty sight. If that's not possible, I guess I'll hunker down in our air-conditioned house until fall. By the way, if you could bring just a wee bit of snow this winter, that'd be great.