It could be coming to an airport near you – my personal worst nightmare – double-decker airplanes.
A few years ago, I wrote a column about a man – probably someone on an airline's payroll – who came up with the idea of adding another row of seats in planes, but not in addition to the usual three rows most airplanes have now. No! This guy wants to add them above the already existing seats. How crazy is that? I thought this idea had died five years ago but I guess not.
Airline executives must spend countless hours and dollars thinking up ways to cram more people into less space and with the expanding backsides of most Americans, this could get a little tricky. (Their motto: Let's charge the public more $$$$ for space the size of a hamster cage.)
Another diabolical idea I've read that the powersthat-be have is a plan to cash in on the widening of Americans' backsides. How would they implement this, you ask? Well, I'll tell ya. Are you ready to be shocked? Besides charging for the weight of the luggage, they could also weigh the passengers and charge by the pound! Shocking, I know. Right?
I'd probably quit flying altogether. No way would I let some stranger know how much I weigh. I don't even like my doctor having privy to that information so the chances of me revealing my weight to strangers are slim to none.
I say let them have carnival midway weight-guessers stand next to each check-in counter. If they can guess the passenger's weight within 10 pounds, you pay. If they are over by more than 20 pounds, you fly for free. Win-win. More than likely, the airport personnel would install scales hidden in the floor in front of the counters like the highway patrol uses to check semi-truck weights. The carnival barkers could fool us by pretending to miss on the weight-guessing every few passengers to appear legit since, unbeknownst to us passengers, they'd have our weight, including the 50 pounds of carry-on we've stuffed in our pockets to avoid overage fees, which would wipe out any savings we'd hoped to achieve.
Sorry. My mind tends to wander. Someday, I hope to find it, but back to the subject at hand.
Can you imagine some stranger who has come in 50 pounds over his weight limit booking an 'upper' seat above your head? And do you know why, besides the carry-on filled pockets, he'd be that heavy? Because the airports have gotten wise to us. It's no coincidence that airports now consist of 2,876 restaurants and fastfood eating establishments per passenger. You cannot walk 10 feet without passing one. The smell alone draws us in and they know we Americans are easily bored and what do we do when we are bored? We eat. At least I do.
This makes me wonder why, once we are on the plane, we are served a 'snack' (har!) that consists of three pretzels and a half a can of pop. I guess they figure you've eaten enough before you got on.
Which brings me to another point. There was a discussion a few years ago about making the lavatories smaller. Smaller! It's hard enough to use one now. Why would they want to do that, you ask? So they can fit a couple of more seats on the plane. After all the passengers have stuffed themselves before take-off, I think this would be a very bad idea. If they have to choose between smaller restrooms or overhead seating, I guess the latter would be the better idea.
The original idea for the overhead seating had the seats equipped with only a small footstool to keep the feet from the head of the passenger below. Who wants someone's stinky feet dangling above their heads? Thank goodness the new idea is more like an enclosed seat. I personally think I'd be too claustrophobic to book one of those seats. Would they charge less since you'd have to climb a ladder? Or more for the premium 'bird's eye view'?
Either way, I'd feel sorry for the flight attendants who had to take care of the upper deck. I can see the commercial now. A flight attendant, greeting the passengers, would take the unsuspecting sap – I mean, the passenger – by the hand, guide him to his seat on the 'upper deck' and lock him in so he can't escape when he realizes his head is crammed against the ceiling. It's a good thing they plan on making the seats fully reclinable. That way he can lean back, relax, and count the rivets on the ceiling. (In case you're wondering, there are approximately 600,000 bolts and rivets on an average 737. You're welcome.)
Anyway, I think I'll stay at home.