It has finally happened. I have turned into Wonder Woman. But not in the sense that I have any superpowers or superweapons (unless you count nagging) or anything like the Wonder Woman of comic book fame seems to possess. And how about her skimpy costume? How does she manage to never get sunburned in the summer or freeze in the winter?
I could never wear her costume even back in the day when I had the figure for it. Nowadays, I’d just be locked away so I wouldn’t scare little children, although it would probably make a great Halloween costume.
But I digress.
I’m referring to the fact that I spend most of my day “wondering” why I walked into a room, what I was thinking two seconds ago, what I had written on my grocery list just before I left the house without it . . . You get the picture.
Some days it’s a wonder I can get out of bed and dress myself. I wonder how old my grandkids are when someone asks me. I’ve spent years trying to forget my age.
As I was getting ready to write this column, I thought I’d do a little research (and I use the term loosely) on Wonder Woman. Since my complete knowledge of her comes from the Lynda Carter television version of the 1970s. Anyone who lived at that time and was old enough to watch knows how cheesy it was.
I tried reading the entire Wikipedia article on Wonder Woman, but I couldn’t. I tried reading all the wild made-up names, but it made my eyes glaze over. I’m still not sure what all her jewelry was supposed to do, but apparently, it was used to fight crime. Today it’d just get her mugged.
My Wonder Woman costume wouldn’t come with magic bracelets that can stop a speeding bullet. I wouldn’t have a magic lasso that makes people tell the truth, although sometimes I wish I did. Come to think of it, maybe that wouldn’t be such a good idea after all. Does anyone really want to know what others think, especially of themselves? I know I don’t. My fragile ego couldn’t take it. No, it’d never be that functional.
Being a woman, I wonder if she referred to her clothing as her costume? Or her outfit? Did she throw it all on in the morning out of habit? Did she sleep in it? Did she keep it on 24/7 in case she was called on to fight crime, maybe alongside Superman or Batman, or whatever superhero needed her help? And come to think of it — why would either one of them need her help? As you can probably tell, I watched or read very little about these characters. I was more into Archie comics.
No, my Wonder Woman costume would look more like Clueless Woman. It would consist of pants with elastic waists, stretchy tops that hide my ‘love handles’, hitop socks, comfy slip-on shoes, a scrunchy to keep my hair out of my face, and no makeup.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking EWWW. Just kidding. But you’d be right.
Actually, Clueless Woman is only one of the dozens of outfits that can be found on any given person on any given day while shopping in Walmart. Other outfits you might see are pajama bottoms, spandex anything, crop tops, or see-through clothes that I’ve spied on people who should never, ever wear anything like that in public. These are just a few of the outfits that you’ll never catch me wearing since I do have some standards, believe it or not.
I foresee in future a clothing line that hides all our imperfections, so no one appears overweight or too short or too tall—a complete optical illusion. Clothes would always fit, no matter your build, and you’d look like a model in everyone’s eyes. Wouldn’t that be great?
Makeup could be sprayed on in one application that would include lips, eyebrows and eyelids. Not a single imperfection would show.
Boring!
Maybe we don’t need any those things, after all. People being different is what makes the world an exciting place. It gives us something to make ourselves feel better when we see we don’t have to be perfect. We just have to be nice. And considerate. And charitable. And kind.
So maybe I’m not Wonder Woman, but she didn’t have the awesome family I have, and that makes for a pretty awesome life, so I think be content to stick with my Clueless Woman wardrobe and enjoy taking care of my family and blending in with the rest of the clueless women everywhere.
And when I say clueless, I really mean awesome.