Becoming a Humor Columnist

Monday has arrived and here I sit, trying to come up with 800 words that are, hopefully, mildly humorous. This happens way too often since I tend to be a procrastinator. I also like to prioritize my days, starting with things I like to do, followed by things I want to do, and finally, things I have to do.

Today was a delightful day of getting doctor appointments out of the way and getting our tuchuses back home before the ice/snow hits. Dang, Mother Nature, it's not even Halloween!

Anyway, I've had several people ask, "Debi, how can I, an ordinary–housewife, doctor, dog walker–become a successful columnist like you?” (I heard that.) “What skills do I need to develop?" (No one has ever asked me that, but it sounds good when I pretend people are interested.)

Here are a few simple steps. Follow them closely and, you, too, can spend countless hours toiling away at your computer researching topics such as – 'Come tax-time can I deduct the room where I keep my computer as a home office and will the Internal Revenue Service fall for it?' Or 'Which animal has the shortest attention span–besides me?'

Step one is obvious. You must come up with a topic that, hopefully, interests you and can be stretched to 800 words. I have a notoriously bad memory and, I never seem to have a pen or paper handy to jot down any ideas that might strike. Say I'm in line at a local fast-food restaurant, and an idea pops into my head . Before I can write it down, I'll hear "Order when you're ready," and, poof, it's gone.

"But, Debi," you say, "You can use one of the many handy apps on your phone to dictate ideas." There's a couple of problems with that. One: By the time I remember I have an app for that and locate it on my phone, I've forgotten what I had on my mind since I have the attention span of a fruit fly. (See, my research does come in handy. . .sometimes.) Two: It gets a little embarrassing when I'm walking around saying things into my phone like "Research whether dog fleas or cat fleas can jump farther and higher." You'll get the strangest looks. And the answer is dog fleas. Bet you didn't even know there were different kinds of fleas, did you? I didn't either. This is the kind of educational things you can learn as a columnist, although, much like algebra and Shakespeare, it's not something you'll likely use again.

Step two is to peruse several local and national newspapers or watch the news on television. (Writers for the national news stations seem to have taken creative writing to a whole new level.) Or, like me, you can get your information from Yahoo. I'll read the posted articles more than once, just in case there's been an update between breakfast and lunch. I've been spending a lot of time following the latest 'polls' on the upcoming election and state questions, hoping to glean some amusing ideas from any of it. Should I be upset that no one has ever polled me on my opinion of the candidates or issues? That's probably a good thing.

Step three: Now that you've decided on a topic, it's time to take a break. Thinking up what to write about is hungry work so, you'll need to head to the kitchen (or break room or nearest bar) for a little fortification. One can't work on an empty stomach, now can one? Right now, the primary source of nourishment I prefer to munch on all day long is the Halloween candy I stocked up on just in case the big box store has a sudden run on fun-size candy bars and diet Dr. Pepper. That's why it's never a good idea for me to buy ahead of the holiday. By the time I've finished my column, I'll have consumed approximately 10,000 calories.

Step four: Stop eating and resume following the latest news on the upcoming election and state questions long enough to get something written before the deadline. This is the hardest step of all but, with a little perseverance, backbone, pilferedcandy, and Diet Dr. Pepper, you too can be an overworked and underpaid writer. When the deadline is looming, and I'm trying to get my column in, I have a hard time leaving the snacks alone. (No cracks about my size, thank you.)

If you'll follow these four simple steps and you can become a frustrated, overweight scribe who spends way too much time on the Internet pretending to do "research" and thinking up ways to convince your accountant that it's taxdeductible. Good Luck. You'll need it.

Good Luck. You'll need it.