Doing It All Wrong

Okay, ladies of retired husbands, can any of you tell me how you handle the household chores while your hubby breathes down your neck and tries to micromanage something you've being doing for years?

David retired about 5 ½ years ago, and boy, oh boy, let me tell you, it was a hard adjustment on both sides.

I had many questions on how our new 'normal' would work. Would he expect me to cook three meals a day? If he was, then he was in for a big surprise. I HATE trying to think up what we might want to eat several hours in advance, and I especially hate to cook. I don't keep too much in our freezer for a couple of reasons. (1) I have no idea what I'll be in the mood for come evening (or have any or all of the ingredients to prepare the meal), and (2) I'd have to think ahead and thaw something out (see 1). David's answer to 'What do you want to eat' is "I don't care," or "Whatever you want to fix." Wrong answer, Bucko.

My husband tends to be a semi-picky eater. (Had I known this when were dating, I may have called the whole thing off, but love knows no faults.)

So, this meant no casseroles and no mixing of certain foods. Meat and potatoes, meat and potatoes, breakfast foods occasionally, meat and potatoes. The menu can get quite monotonous and boring.

Now, mind you, I'm not exactly what you'd call an adventurous eater either, but dang, I will eat vegetables besides potatoes. Of course, by vegetables, I mean corn, green beans, peas if they're smothered in white gravy or spinach once or twice a year. Nothing too exciting.

There are many vegetables in the produce section of the grocery stores that I don't have any idea what they are or how to cook them. And at this stage in my life, I have no desire to learn.

This is the ONE single area where David has not taken over since his retirement, darn it. His entire repertoire consists of breakfast foods or cakes. He does them very well, but one can eat breakfast only so many times a week before one is ready to run for the hills when one smells bacon frying in the pan. I found this out when I was going through treatment and unable to contribute to any household chores (the only upside to the whole ordeal).

Frying anything is another reason I hate cooking. Makes too much of a mess and I hate trying to get the greasy globs off my stovetop.

After over 40 years of wedded bliss, I found out that I have been doing the following chores all wrong, according to the New Resident Expert (NRE):

The laundry. Stuffing everything into the washer or dryer at once is, apparently, a big no-no. I've been doing it this way for over 40 years. Not so fast, says the NRE. One must place each item separately for them to wash without ending up in one big wad or dry evenly. Who knew? My complaint about him is that he insists on setting the washer on the long wash. Each load takes almost an hour. I use the fast setting almost exclusively.

I also found out I've been doing the dishes all wrong. There's an order I should be placing the dirty dishes into the sink if we don't have enough for the dishwasher, which is most of the time for just the two of us.

I've learned that putting everything but the dog in all at once will earn me a few glares and stares from the NRE. Glasses, plates, cutlery first, then those greasy pots and pans. What does it matter the order if I purposely bought the grease-fighting dish detergent so, according to the commercial, grease slides right off? That's enough to give the NRE a stroke.

For years, while the NRE was away from home, working, I was in charge of the inside and outside chores. I have recently learned, much to my chagrin, that I have been mowing the lawn all wrong too. I'd get out the lawnmower and go up and down until the yard was all done. I will admit that I cannot keep a straight line (which the NRE is very good at), but it got the job done.

Well, that is, apparently, the wrong way. Instead of going one way, turning around, and going back, I was supposed to be changing up each time. North to south one time, east to west another time, then diagonally the next time. What? The grass didn't seem to care, but I guess the NRE does so from now on he can do it himself.

So there.