If someone had told me almost 50 years ago that I'd be spending the majority of my days trying to figure out what the heck to fix for meals three times a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, I'd have run for the hills and became a single vegetarian hermit who lives off the land. That adds up to approximately 53,280 meals multiplied by four people in the household, two of whom are very picky eaters, in the 48 years and eight months we've been married! I think I've earned the right to literally phone it in for all our meals from now on, don't y'all? I mean, isn't that why fast-food restaurants were invented? So we harried housewives can get a break from constantly cooking and cleaning?
The only issue with the plan of me trying to go full hermit would be:
(1) I'm not too fond of vegetables I'd have to pick and prepare myself. If they don't come in a can or are frozen, and can't be covered in melted cheese, forget about it. I have no idea what's edible and what would give me Montezuma's Revenge or worse.
(2) I could never kill, skin and cook a living creature. That's what grocery stores are for.
(3) I can't stand being cold or hot or sweaty or inconvenienced in any way.
(4) I could never go a day without my phone, my internet or my neck deep jacuzzi bathtub.
(5) I don't think I could master the art of beating my clothes on a rock. My head, maybe; my clothes, no.
(6) How in the world could I possibly decorate a cave? The fact that I have no talent for decorating is beside the point.
I absolutely refuse to live outside like an animal mainly because I'm afraid I'd end up a bear's hors d'oeuvre. If that were to happen, I'd hope to give him Montezuma's Revenge or worse. That would teach him to be more selective of his dinner menu.
Let's face it; I'm just not cut out to be the rugged pioneer woman type who can ride a horse and hunt and I never will be. I have a gun but I'm scared to death to use it seeing how I possess all the coordination and finesse of Barney Fife. I took a course a few years ago to learn how to handle my weapon. The wildlife would probably die from laughter seeing me trying to wield one small enough to take down a hummingbird. Everyone else had normal adult-sized guns. Between myself and all the other attendees, we made the countryside safe from the berm which is now riddled with enough lead to set off every metal detector within a 10-mile radius. I guess the upside would be all the weight I'd lose, unwilling as I am to commit theriocide.
Come to think of it, living in a cave wouldn't be so bad. Just think of it–No housework. Everything is made of rocks, dirt and the occasional plant that could possibly be used for dinner if I were hungry enough. Grab a bush to sweep and make a nice pattern on the dirt floor, hunt for berries I can use to make a wreath for the rock wall and make a deep pile of grass and leaves for a bed. No muss, no fuss.
The downside would be bugs. I hate bugs and would never consent to share my abode with any unless they were edible which I wouldn't know any more about than I do about plants.
But I digress.
No, I'm more the lady of leisure city slicker type from the east with a rich (well, maybe not rich but wealthy enough to afford to buy a ticket on a coach) husband who rides in stagecoaches as opposed to horses.
I can't even imagine how our grandparents and greatgrandparents survived. We of the 21st-century whine and moan if our air conditioning goes out for more than an hour. I know I do. If the internet goes, the howl can be heard for miles around. Did I mention I'm a big weenie?
Anyway, these days I spend an inordinate amount of time reading the recipes that constantly pop up on my social media page. I don't make any of them, I just like to read them. I have hundreds of cookbooks in a repurposed China cabinet and still, I can't think of a stinking thing to make for supper. I guess one of the main reasons is if it has more than five or six ingredients or anything exotic like crushed peppercorns or cumin, I'm out.
This housewifery gig is getting to be a real drag. Maybe I'll move to a cave after all.