There are so many unanswered questions about things we should know by the time we're adults that I wish someone had clued me in on when I was much younger such as...
If one door closes and another door opens, does that mean we've entered a revolving door?
When the alcohol ads admonish one to "drink responsibly" does that mean don't spill it lest you get hollered at for making a mess on mom's new flooring?
If 60 is the new 40, is nine p.m. the new midnight?
Why do my grandchildren question me on specifics when I say, "It happened just the other day?" I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 40 years ago. Also, if I could remember exactly when it happened, I'd tell ya. Or maybe not. It depends on how embarrassing it was.
Why has my body resorted to a cacophony of sound effects when I rise up from my chair or get out of bed? Do I need the affirmation that my hearing hasn't left me, like my youth?
Why is it that the older I get, the less patience I have for nonsense?
After I reached Social Security status, why did I suddenly start caring about subjects I've never given a thought to before, like politics?
Why does my washer insist on getting its daily dose of fiber from eating one of every pair of socks I own?
Why, as I age, does it take so much longer to get absolutely nothing done? The hurrieder I go, the behinder I get has always been my creed.
Why can't I get a full night's sleep without several trips to the bathroom? Did my bladder suddenly shrink? Apparently, it doesn't weigh much since my bathroom scales haven't trended downward.
My memory has gotten so bad that when someone asks what I did over the weekend, I automatically ask, "Why? What did you hear?"
Why did my hearing have to start fading now, just when I've gotten to the age that I don't mind listening in on strangers' conversations? I hate when a couple argues in public, and I miss the beginning. Now I don't know whose side to take.
Why do I get strange looks when I blurt out what's on my mind? I don't mean to interrupt people. I can't help it if I randomly remember things. If I don't shout it out now, I won't remember whatever popped into my head 10 seconds later.
If we weren't meant to eat at night, why is there a light in the refrigerator?
Why didn't someone tell me that, as an adult, I'd get upset over stores re-arranging their whole layout?
How long does it take for me to realize I've been talking on my phone after I've frantically hung up on my best friend because I've got to go find where my cell phone is? (About 30 seconds.)
When I ask for directions, why do people insist on using worthless words like 'north'? Do I look like a freaking compass?
Why, when I pick up my phone to do 'research,' does my spouse/friend/mortal enemy insist on talking to me, thereby ensuring that I will no longer remember why my phone is in my hand?
Why do I get the side-eye from people when I talk to myself? Sometimes I need an expert opinion.
You've heard the saying, "If it weren't for bad luck, he'd have no luck at all?” Mine is more like a bald guy entering a contest for a trip around the world and winning a comb.
Why do I still carry a purse that weighs 40 lbs.? On second thought, why do I still carry a purse? That's so 1950s.
Why is my phone's calendar no longer filled with adventures? Now it's doctor appointments and reminders of which medications to take and when.
Why do flashing red and blue lights behind me still make my heart race? We haven't had a K-mart in two or three (or 10) years.
No one told me that I would know when I'd officially achieved old age when a great deal of my reading material came from the bladder control aisle of the local drug store. Or I'd start paying attention to the commercials about receiving 'personal' products wrapped in brown paper packaging.
Why should we teach the younger generation how to adult? Beyond teaching them to say please and thank you, not using their shirt sleeves to wipe their noses or that it's impolite to sneeze on the person next to you, I say let them learn life's tough lessons the same way we did– from our equally clueless peers.
It's kind of like childbirth. If they knew the truth, nobody would want to do it.