One of these days, I'm going to get my act together and lose this excess weight for good. Really. Don't laugh. It could happen. Of course, the odds of that happening are roughly the same as me finding Bigfoot, winning the lottery, or never having to go on another diet. I figure I've been on six or seven hundred diets over the course of the past 50 years with very mixed results. Mostly bad.
When I started treatment, I was admonished to "keep the weight on!" "This is not the time to diet." Well, you can just imagine my excitement. I was getting permission to pig out. When anyone gives me the evil eye I can respond, "I'm just following my doctor's orders."
As many diets as I might have tried, none have been truly bizarre as the ones I found while doing research (trolling the Internet) for ideas on how to make the process less painful. Here is what I found:
The "Liquid Diet" (Wine's a liquid, right?), and the "Chewing Diet" which dictates you chew each bite 32- 80 times thereby turning your food into a liquid state. I guessing the purpose of this is you'll get so tired of chewing you'll just give up. I know I would.
There's also the "Vinegar Diet" touted by Lord Byron himself. His idea was to drink vinegar daily plus a cup of tea and a raw egg. Given the side effects of vomiting and diarrhea, I'd say you'd no longer care about your weight since no one would come near you anyway.
Then there's the "Avoiding Swamps Diet". In 1727, Thomas Short observed that fat people live near swamps. His treatise titled "The Causes and Effects of Corpulence" introduced the only logical weight loss tip he could deduce: Don't live near swamps. Good advice in general, I'd say.
How about the "Tapeworm Diet"? Tapeworms were sold in pill form for quick weigh loss. When baby tapeworms grew to 25 feet long and started causing seizures, meningitis, or dementia, the U.S. government outlawed their sale. Other side effects included cysts on the brain, eyes, and spinal cord. This disgusting diet started in the Victorian Era, when women went to extremes in an attempt to fit into beauty standards. (Some things never change.) Along with the weight loss, they would get diarrhea, nausea, and a fever. That's one way to kill an appetite. I think I'll give this one a hard pass.
I could get on board with the "Slimming Soap Diet". In the 1930s, if you couldn't melt your fat, you could always wash it away with soap products like "Fat-O-NO," and "Fatoff". Alas, it was nothing more than ordinary bath soap but at least they were clean.
I think the "Drinking Man's Diet" would not be for me. Alcohol is required at every meal and there are no restrictions on gin and vodka. Robert Cameron sold this diet in a pamphlet in the 1960s for $1. If you can't get skinny, at least get rich selling this tripe.
Think the 60's with the "Vision Diet". Wear blue glasses, eat less. The color blue is supposed to suppress appetite.
The "Cotton Ball Diet" is truly too stupid to consider. The selling point? They're zero calories and taste like absolutely nothing.
I'll give a big fat no to the "Cigarette Diet". In the 1920s, doctors prescribed cigarettes for people to lose weight. They were encouraged to grab a cigarette instead. Too much food may kill you, but cigarettes will give you lung cancer. This must be where the saying "pick your poison" came from.
There's the "Graham Diet". In 1830, Sylvester Graham, a Presbyterian minister, and early vegetarian believed people were fat because they were having too much hankypanky. Although his diet of abstinence and veggies didn't last long, he's known today as the father of graham crackers.
How about the "Tongue Patch Diet"? It was invented by plastic surgeon Dr. Chugay and involves sewing a patch to the tongue with several stitches, making it too painful to eat solid foods. It would be removed after a month. No thanks, I'd rather be fat.
I think Andy Warhol had the right idea. In his book, "The Philosophy of Andy Warhol", he admitted that every time he went out to eat, he ordered food he didn't like. At the end of the dinner, he would pack almost an entire plate "to go" and give it to homeless people to enjoy.
I think if I do decide to start another diet I'll try the "Sleeping Beauty" diet. It consists of my second favorite pastime. If I'm sleeping I can't be eating unless I start sleep eating. If that happens I'm in BIG trouble.
Dieting is just not my forté.