Another Sunday has come and gone, and I have not completed my column. This is my 300th (Okay, my third. It just feels like more) attempt to come up with an idea this week. I have symbolically wadded up and tossed several pages into my virtual trash can. It's not nearly as much fun as the real thing but we all have to work with what we have. Hoping to get some inspiration and a viable idea, I started by reading some of my old columns. Could I pass one of them off as a new column by rearranging the paragraphs and perhaps changing a few words thereby avoiding having to come up with a new idea? This is a 'trick' used by even the best of the best humor columnists. I'd name them here but I live in fear of lawsuits so I'll let y'all guess who I might be talking about. Discuss amongst yourselves. I'll wait.
So anyway, to get my column kickstarted, I perused a few of my old columns, selected one to copy, and attempted to change it just enough to make it seem new. This went on for about 600 words before I decided even I was bored with the topic. How many times can one complain about one's inability to get one's house in order, one's weight under control* or about how much a delicate flower such as myself hates anything associated with hot weather (sweating, or burning and peeling come to mind) (so far, 365 and counting)? I really have to get out of the house more but now it'll have to wait at least 79 more days before I'm willing to do that (or more if Mother Nature doesn't remember what fall is supposed to feel like).
Next, I read a few of Dave Barry's old columns. I sure miss reading his columns every week. I don't know why he had to retire. Doesn't he realize we NEED his humorous outlook to get through the week? Erma Bombeck is also someone I loved reading. I miss her humor every day.
But back to the subject at hand. I read Dave's column about becoming a newspaper columnist and decided that would make a good topic until I remembered I had done that already, too. Since I'm not a quitter, I copied my column on the subject, rearranged and reworded it to make it seem original. After working on it for most of the day, I decided that it was crap.
The life of a humor columnist is not an easy road to follow. It takes fortitude to sit in one's pajamas, ignoring the dog scratching at the door, the phone ringing, the call of nature, in order to get one's job done in a timely manner. There are also a lot of decisions to be made such as what snacks will I need to get me through the day? How can one keep a sharp mind without Cheez-its and Diet Dr. Pepper? One must also throw in a few cookies, just for balance.
What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. All the original and/or unique ideas seem to be taken. Oh, I guess I could try harder by writing about current topics. The national news writers seem to have taken 'creative writing' to a whole new level these days. What's funnier than politicians? The funniest part about them is the fact that aren't trying to be funny. They're dead serious. Who didn't love listening to George Bush anytime he made a speech? Our current leader is almost as amusing.
My problem is I've never had an interest in politics. I hate election time where we're subjected to endless commercials touting the evils of the opposing candidate without ever telling the public just what the originator of the ad plans to do about (take your pick) 1. The economy. 2. Inflation. 3. The rising gas prices. 4. The fact that I can purchase a brisket almost as cheaply (per pound) as hamburger meat. Anyway, you get the picture. My advice to these politicians is 'Stop talking about it and just DO it.'
But I digress, as usual. So here I sit, waiting for inspiration but thinking I might want to change my column writing snacks. Change of food, change of ideas, maybe? Or maybe not. It's worth a shot.
*Unfortunately, all my cancer treatments have one thing in common: weight gain is a major side effect so it's not my fault (completely). We'll just ignore my column-writing snacking regimen.