Addicted to Convenient Shopping

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  • Addicted to Convenient Shopping
    Addicted to Convenient Shopping
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I'm addicted to convenient shopping. What is convenient shopping, you ask? Well, I'll tell ya. It's not one but several evil ways in which businesses are able to get people like me–the Queen of Impulse Buying– to buy way more than we should. (I know, I know I have multiple titles.) Why are they evil? Because it was thought up by people who know that people like me loath putting in a lot of time or effort into shopping. I'm known for my ability to speed shop through a well known big box store.

With the new one-touch capability, I've been able to order hundreds of dollars worth of stuff I probably don't need (okay, I KNEW I didn't need any of it. So sue me.) Before I can rethink what I'm about to do–ZAP– my order's hurled off into the nether regions of some brick and mortar store for 'fulfillment.' I am a sucker for gimcrackery.

Now I have another problem–how to intercept the new purchases before my significant other spies yet another package sitting on our front porch.

I think one of the worst sites is the virtual store that has equipped itself with the one-touch ordering system. It is probably the most popular impulse shopping site in the world. They've also got my credit card number so there's no changing my mind while I spend time hunting for a card to pay for all the stuff in my virtual basket.

The funny thing is I never remember what I've ordered. Seriously! It's like Christmas nearly every day here in the Harris household. As soon as I click 'Buy,' it's out of my head. Then I get an e-mail with updates as to where my most recent purchase is, and when it'll arrive while I'm left scratching my head wondering what in the heck I've bought in the last few days. Why don't these e-mails tell us WHAT we have coming. Do they expect us to remember? That's just mean to us over the age of 60.

So I have to go back to the online shopping site, click on my purchases, and exclaim, "Oh, yeah, now I remember. David's gonna kill me." I'm just kidding. But the guest bedroom closet is getting awfully full. Maybe I'd better start stashing everything in the safe room. At least it has a key so I can lock him out if I can remember where I put it. I moved it recently, positive that this time I wouldn't forget my new hiding place. I should never, ever move anything from an old hiding place to a new one since I'll go back to the old one every stinkin' time. If he ever needs to get in there, I'm in BIG trouble. All I can say is it's a good thing for me that I pay all the bills (so you know who won't find out what I've been up to).

I could always employ a tactic that my mother used to use on my stepfather. She'd buy a new outfit and hide it in the back of her closet. When he'd ask when she got it she'd reply, “It's been hanging in my closet for months.” She wasn't lying. The circle of deceit continues (insert evil laugh here).

Anyway, now the local big box store and its nextdoor neighbor (that sounds like Spam's) have started letting me scan my own groceries, etc., and pay for it with a simple swipe on my iPhone. This is NOT a good thing, for me. It has taken my impulse shopping to a whole new level.

Before, I'd have to stand in a long line behind someone who feels the need to wait until all their items have been scanned before they start digging into their giant purse to find a card to complete their purchase, or worse, the dinosaur who still pays with a check. (If you're one of those, I apologize, but you have to know what the people behind you are thinking.)

When it's finally my turn, I unload it all, and watch in dismay as the cashier rings up a total that's nearly equal to the GNP of a small nation. Fortunately, I don't see the total amount until I get my bill. That's probably a good thing for the surrounding public. With this new system, I can shop at my leisure, which will surely result in even larger credit card bills.

On bill-paying day, I find I have to wait until my blood pressure returns to near normal before I go over each amount and try to figure out how in the heck I spent that much.

If David knows what's best for us, he'll hide my phone, or my credit card, or my laptop. NOT.