Can’t Keep a Secret

I'll admit it – I cannot keep a secret to save my life unless I'm told very specifically in no uncertain terms that they'll cut out my tongue if I blab. At the risk of dismemberment, I will keep my trap shut. But you have to tell me in advance or, if word leaks out, it's all on you. Come to think of it, if it's a secret, why would they tell anyone, especially me? Anyway, you've been forewarned.

Unfortunately, with this inability to harbor truths best left unsaid, I am my own worst enemy. If I have what I should perceive as a secret, I will blurt it out to the first person I encounter – usually David. The upside to this is he usually can't hear me and doesn't tend to pay attention to me anyway so generally my secret is safe.

I have been having a few 'internal' issues of late which can probably be blamed on advancing age. This is bad enough but I tend to work things out by talking out loud (NO, I am not talking to myself), and wouldn't you know it, (Mistake #1) David decides to take this particular time to listen. (He can not hear me unless I shout out what I want him to hear but let me mutter something under my breath and, lo and behold, he hears every word. What's up with that?) Worse than that, he also decided to chime in on what I should or shouldn't do to remedy the situation. Excuse me? Did I ask for his help? No. He really shouldn't eavesdrop on other people's conversations even if they're having it with themselves.

For this particular problem, I decided that maybe I should follow my sister's lead and cut out certain food groups to see if that would help. Do you know how horrible that is to a Southern girl? That means giving up everything I dearly love to eat including but not limited to milk, butter, cottage cheese, all cheeses, corn, all products containing any kind of incarnation of corn, fried foods etc., etc., etc. In other words EVERYTHING I hold near and dear to my stomach.

That means no gravy, biscuits, chicken-fried steaks, fried potatoes – well, you get the picture. It's been pure torture but I've tried to be good. I don't have much choice with David watching me like a hawk and nagging me about everything I put in my mouth.

Mistake #2: This is a big gie. I made the irrevocable error of letting my sister in on my dilemma so now she also restricts my ability to enjoy all the bad foods I love.

Do you know how many products contain dairy and/or corn products? Do you know how much I hate trying to read the ingredient labels, in size 4 font, to make sure it doesn't contain any of this? I never dreamed I would need a degree in science just to be able to read, let alone understand, the ingredients. After a few seconds of trying to interpret the label, my eyes glaze over and my brain shuts down. They only thing that can fix it is a candy bar, which I guess I'm not allowed anymore. Sigh.

Manufacturers have gotten wise to us and have discovered ways to use long, foreign-sounding words (which I suspect they are making up as we get wise to their devious ways) to cover up the fact that their product contains what we're trying to avoid. They think they are so clever but we, the buying public, are getting on to them. Yes, sirree, I've switched to buying only products with ingredients I can pronounce. Carrots aren't so bad.

Right now, this early into my quest to eat healthier, this limits me to fruit and vegetables I am familiar with. It seems like every day when I take the time to look around, I find new, exotic-sounding produce I've never heard of before and wouldn't know what to do with anyway.

So back to keeping secrets, I hope I've learned a valuable lesson about not sharing secrets, especially any that involve my dietary habits. I swear, if I don't get some biscuits and gravy or a chicken fried steak soon, I'm going have to give up my Southern gal card. Cream gravy is considered a beverage in our family. We just can't live without it at least once a day. From now on I vow that when I'm either going on a diet for weight loss or because my 'internal' tribulations are getting out of hand, I will NOT tell anyone. Until the next time I have a problem, then all bets are off. LOL

Now, where did I hide that Snickers candy bar?