Coronavirus Equals A Bad Haircut

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Things are about to get ugly here in the Harris household. David kept putting off getting a haircut despite my nag . . . persistent urging that he desperately needed one. After viewing "The Tiger King" at the behest of our daughter, I threatened to start calling him by the name of the star of the show if he didn't get something done soon. Yes, it was getting that bad. Was? you ask. Yes, was. And that's where this story starts.

It seems everyone I know was hooked on the Netflix show "The Tiger King" about a mullet-wearing redneck from Oklahoma who was obsessed with keeping tigers in cages. He was also obsessed with eliminating his Florida competition, but that's another story. Feeling like someone who missed school the day the most exciting thing ever to happen, happened, I had to watch. It was like observing a train wreck. You know you shouldn't, but you can't look away. It was crazy, repulsive, inexplicable, and confusing. It was also entertaining in a weird sort of way.

Who knew this dude was doing any of this? I sure didn't. He definitely lived by his own rules, which is one of the things that got him in trouble. Campaign finance is serious business.

I had heard of him when he ran for governor, but I never knew he'd also ran for president. Can you even imagine this guy in charge? It would be like Wyatt Earp at the helm, six-gun, and all.

But back to the subject at hand.

David's hair was getting pretty long (down past his ears), and it was driving me crazy. I never did like long hair on guys. Unfortunately, the mayor of our fair city declared all owners and personnel of hair salons and barbershops persona non grata, hence David's temporary new nickname. I did a little research (translation: I looked at all the posts on Facebook referencing people still willing to cut hair during the lockdown) looking for someone willing to take a walk on the wrong side of the law and help me out. The alternative (doing it myself) wouldn't be pretty.

I selected a person at random to connect with. I felt like a government spy on a covert mission, but instead of the mission being a matter of life or death, it involved getting David a haircut without the mayor or law enforcement finding out. Who knew a simple act of good grooming could involve breaking the law? I sent the lady a private

I sent the lady a private message inquiring about rates and whether she would be willing to come to our home or us to hers. We agreed on a price, time, and location with all the stealth of a secret mission; then, I chickened out. The mayor's proclamation made me feel like arranging a haircut was on par with robbing a bank. What's a poor girl to do?

So, I did something that would probably be most husbands' worst nightmare. I decided to do it myself. Much to David's chagrin, I remembered that we had a haircutting kit in our spare bathroom. That, in and of itself, was a miracle considering my poor memory. I'm sure David would have preferred I hadn't. It's been in there so long I can't even remember why we possessed it. I haven't cut anyone's hair in probably 50 years. Back then, we were taught to use a straight-edged razor, not scissors, but I thought, how hard could it be? Famous last words, indeed.

Apparently, the answer is "really hard." I pulled up a Youtube video of a lady cutting her husband's hair, which, unfortunately for me, wasn't nearly as long as David's since she probably cuts his hair regularly.

When I told David I was going to cut his hair, the look on his face was priceless. I think he feared more for his ears than his hair. LOL. Anyway, I pulled out the old haircutting kit, placed the sheer plastic cape that came with the kit around his neck, and said a prayer. My prayer was that his hair wouldn't require a ball cap until it grows back in; David's, I suspect, was more for the safety of his ears and not coming out looking like Moe from the Three Stooges, or worse yet, Curly (because he was bald.) Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

They sure do make it look easy in those videos. I had just about as much success cutting David's hair as I did making the medical masks. When the lady in the video said to be careful of the grow line, or you'll leave a bald spot, she wasn't kidding. Don't tell David. He can't see back there, and I'm not telling him.

At least his hair should grow back soon.