If I knew then (age 18) what I know now (don't ask) I'd have interviewed prospective husbands as a headhunter looks for a new CEO.
I'd have made sure he didn't have big feet or a flat butt. Do you know how hard it is to find shoes that size or clothes to fit when he doesn't have a derriere? (Our children still haven't forgiven me for this.)
My granddaughters now know who to blame for giving them these traits–me. I should have shopped around a little longer.
From me, they got shortness, near-sightedness, and a propensity for sweets and carbs.
Why didn't I notice he tended to speak in nothing but partial sentences? I should have held out for ones longer than six words. But when you're in love you don't notice these things.
I should have known to ask him a question then keep quiet (yeah, right. LOL), forcing him to speak to me. When he's talking to his buddies, it's like he's a whole different person.
Let one of his buddies come over and he's "Chatty Cathy" with his string stuck on talk. Talk, talk, talk. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Once they've left, the string pops back in and locks. I hear the crickets.
I should have paid attention when Erma Bombeck pointed out that most men have a six-word limit. Not necessarily in one sentence or even one day.
A typical week might go like this:
Monday, Me: "Say Something, anything so I know I haven't gone deaf!”
David: "What do you want me to say?" (6)
Tuesday, Me: "What do you want for supper?"
David: "I don't care. Whatever you want. (6)"
Wednesday, Me: "Are we going to Alva for Memorial Day?"
David: "I don't know." (3) (He owes me.)
Thursday, Me: "When will you know?"
David: "I have to check the schedule." (6)
Friday, Me: "What schedule? I need to know."
David: "The OU softball games start tomorrow." (6)
Saturday, Me: "I'm running away from home."
David: "How do I find the games?" (6)
Me: "Find 'em yourself."
Sunday, Me: "AAARRRGGGHHH!!!"
David: "Did you say something to me? Where's the remote?" (9)
In the interest of women contemplating marriage, you might want to decide what kind of husband you're looking for. Do you want a talker, a romantic, or someone who knows his way around the house? Here are a few things you might want to find out before you make that trip down the aisle:
While sitting in a darkened theater does he put his arm around you to (a) give you a hug to show his affection, or (b) reach for the popcorn tub?
Does he include you in his hobbies? When he takes you golfing does he (a) lovingly wrap his arms around you to show you how to properly tee off or (b) take the club out of your hand and ask you to fetch the ball he caused you to hit into the rough?
When you invite him to your apartment for the first time does he (a) hope for a romantic interlude or (b) head straight for the fridge to look for beer and you don't drink.
If he smokes does he (a) step outside so you don't have to be exposed to the smell or (b) figure you may as well as get used to it and plops on the couch while not noticing you don't smoke.
After dating for several months, and you decide it's time to take your relationship to the next level does he (a) start planning his bachelor party or (c) assume he's about to advance to friends with benefits.
After the cohabitation begins does he (a) take to doing laundry like a duck takes to water or does he (b) feign ignorance as to what a clothes hamper and washing machine are for?
Is his idea of outdoor maintenance (a) the latest in lawn care equipment or (b) hiring the first guy who shows up at the front door willing to do it on the cheap?
When you say "We're out of (fill in the blank) does he (a) run to the nearest store and stops to pick up take out on his way home or (b) give you a blank look and proceed to watch endless hours of sports?
To quote Erma, "Part of man's silence is woman's doing. We created the strong, silent, masculine image. The silence represented deep thought, a repression of emotions. A quiet man was an island of mystery, a challenge to probe and discover as years went on. I always thought a quiet man was subtle and romantic."
I did too before I found out I'd be spending my days carrying on conversations with the dog and getting better responses.