With Thanksgiving here, several first-time cooks are at a loss as to how to prepare a turkey for the holidays. Let's listen in on a call to the turkey hotline.
Genevieve, the longest still sober employee of the Let's Talk Turkey Hotline, is an expert in her field. She has been answering these calls for about 30 years, so there isn't anything she hasn't heard. Let's listen in on a typical day as she "talks turkey" with a hapless caller.
"Hello! You've reached Genevieve at the Let's Talk Turkey Hotline where we help you gobble, gobble, gobble up the season. How may I help you?"
"Yes, is this the turkey hotline lady?"
"Yes, it is! Who am I speaking with?"
"This is Janice. I'm making the Thanksgiving turkey for the first time, and I don't know where to start."
"That's why I'm here. I'll walk you through it."
"All Jake's family is here, and I don't want them to know I don't know how to cook a turkey."
"Okay, I'm here to help. First, have you thawed the turkey?"
"Jake did that for me. His friend told him you can thaw a turkey in the bathroom."
"The bathtub works fine in a pinch."
"He didn't use the bathtub."
"What did he use?"
"The toilet." "He used what?"
"He used what?"
"He thawed it in the toilet. His friend told him he could put the turkey in the toilet. He just had to be sure to change the water by flushing every 30 minutes."
"Did he at least scrub the toilet first and leave the turkey in the original packaging?"
"I think so."
"Okay. Remove it from the packaging, pat dry with paper towels, and remove the giblets."
"What are giblets, and where do I find them?"
"It's the package that you'll find in the cavity containing the neck bone, gizzard, heart, and liver."
"EWWWW. Do I throw them away?"
"You can, or you can boil them for gravy."
"How do I make gravy?"
"We can cover that later. Let's concentrate on getting that turkey in the oven. To roast your turkey, pre-heat the oven to 325°. How big is your turkey?"
"It's about the size of my sister's six-month-old."
"I meant; how much does it weigh?"
"I don't know."
"There should be a tag on the package that tells you."
"Is that important?"
"Yes."
"I threw the wrapper away, but I think it weighs about the same as the baby. Let me ask."
Janice leaves and comes back a few minutes later.
"Marsha said John weighs 20 pounds."
"My, he's a big one, isn't he? Do you have a thermometer?"
"Why?"
"So, you can tell when the turkey's done."
"I think Marsha has one."
"Good."
"I'll go get it out of the diaper bag."
"Wait, what? You can't use that kind of thermometer!"
"You can't?"
"No! It has to be a meat thermometer."
"Oh."
"Does the turkey have a red button on the side?"
"Let me look. Yes, it does. What's that for?"
"It'll pop up when the turkeys done. Is the oven pre-heated?"
"Hang on. You said to roast the turkey, but my oven only has broil and bake."
"Put it on bake for approximately 15 minutes per pound. It will be fine. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Yes. How do I make gravy?"
"I suggest you buy a jar of already made gravy. It'll save a lot of time. Goodbye and have a happy holiday."
"Thank you. Goodbye."
"Hello! You've reached Genevieve at the Let's Talk Turkey Hotline where we help you gobble, gobble, gobble up the season. How may I help you?"
"Hello. I'm traveling from California to Colorado for Thanksgiving and bringing the turkey. Can I strap it to the roof of my car, so it'll thaw before I get there? I need to start cooking it as soon as I arrive."
"No. It wouldn't be a safe way to thaw it."
"Okay, I'll figure it out. Goodbye."
"Have a Happy Holiday."
"Hello! You've reached Genevieve at the Let's Talk Turkey Hotline where we help you gobble, gobble, gobble up the season. How may I help you?"
"Yes. My turkey has no breast. I'm upset since that's my favorite part."
"What do you mean it has no breast? Did you purchase a turkey roll or a whole turkey?"
"A whole turkey."
"Can you describe it for me?"
"Well, it's kinda flat on the top, but the bottom is round, and it won't stay upright when I put it in the pan."
"Have you tried turning it over?"
"Hang on."
The caller picks that phone back up and says, "Hey, it worked! The breast is back. Thank you so much!"
"My pleasure. Have a Happy Holiday."
"George, take all the rest of my calls, please. I'm going to the nearest bar."