Mariticide: One who kills her husband or boyfriend.
Is it wrong to have thoughts of committing mariticide just before the holidays? Y'all know I'm speaking metaphorically. I'd never do such a thing although it would mean one less gift to buy. As long as I need him here to decorate the outside of the house and drag the tree and all the decorations down from the attic for Christmas and all the other holidays, he's safe. He's the only one who knows where all that crap is stored. I absolutely refuse to poke my head up there. I ventured up there just once when we first moved into this house. Never again. I don't do bugs and dust.
Anyway, the reason for my current thoughts of mariticide is my husband has a history of suddenly getting the urge to remodel my kitchen as soon as the holidays roll around. Don't get me wrong; I LOVE getting my house updated, just NOT in the middle of holiday preparations. What woman wouldn't threaten to do away with their spouse when they pull this? No female jury or judge would vote to convict. Ha! Ha!
Case in point: A few years ago David decided it was time to replace our microwave oven that is mounted over the stove. On the very day I needed to prepare and bake eight pies to take to various relatives' houses for Thanksgiving dinners he decided this was the ideal day to risk incurring my wrath. So there sat my stove pushed into the middle of the kitchen floor where it was impossible to do anything. Then he left to make a run to one of the local home improvement stores for more supplies. Are you kidding me??? He has enough tools in his garage and storage shed to start his own business. (And he has the nerve to complain that I have too many kitchen gadgets, but that's for another column.) What's a wife to do? Maybe we wives should get a petition started whereby we can get our husbands banned from home improvement stores during any month with a holiday we decorate for. Just think of all the money we'd save them, not to mention our sanity.
Anyway, as I'm writing this column it is almost Thanksgiving, and the guy who was supposed to measure our kitchen countertops for replacement LAST WEEK decides to show up as I am getting the house ready for approximately two dozen guests who will be celebrating David's birthday and Thanksgiving with us. Is this a man thing to drive us women crazy?
As soon as the guy left David started trying to remove the top of the bar so he could see what's underneath. Really??? That man cannot stand to let another one do what he deems 'his job'. I implored him to leave everything 'as is' until the professionals made an appearance but it fell on deaf ears. We need every square inch of kitchen counter space just for the food. I cannot have him tearing things up right now. So I gave him the 'look' that every husband has come to know and he wisely decided that the day after our dinner would be a better time to start making a colossal mess in the kitchen.
Update: It's been a week since we hosted our family Thanksgiving dinner and it's been six days since David has had our bar torn up. There are pieces of sheetrock, backsplash, and dust EVERYWHERE.
Did I mention that this is also where many of our Christmas decorations are displayed? After he finished tearing the whole thing up, he had the nerve to ask me if I thought we ought to make the bar more narrow so it doesn't stick out so far. Why, oh why would I want to lose even more space? AAARRRGGGHHH! NO! I don't have enough room now for all the tchotchkes we've accumulated over the years as it is. I cannot have him eliminating valuable real estate like that.
Kids, this is the kind of stuff that can make or break a marriage. How can a wife who likes things just the way they are and a husband who fancies himself the next Bob Vila be compatible? Believe it or not, we are. I say this because, even though he can be frustrating when he gets the urge to redecorate during the holidays, in over 48 years of marriage I haven't had to call in a repairman or handyman for any reason since I married one.
(Of course, I'm just kidding about the marticide since I obviously couldn't do without him. I am not handy at fixing things around the house. Also, I wouldn't have anything to write about if I did.)