Are You Ready For Some Football?

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  • Are You Ready For Some Football?
    Are You Ready For Some Football?
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Football season is finally here, and I couldn't be more excited (if I had my head squeezed in a vise). What does the football season mean to those of us not consumed by the excitement of 24/7 football coverage? It means a run on the wine section of the big box store, that's what it means to me.

I'm just kidding folks. So here we are, David and I, waiting with bated breath for the talking heads to tell us what to expect from today's game. Will our team win? Will they lose? Does anyone, especially the referees, understand the rules? I personally think they make them up as they go along. (Because of Covid we are watching 'classic' Sooner football games. That's how desperate David is. LOL)

I remember when football used to be a more rough and tumble game. The main job of the referee was to make sure no one lost an eye or a limb. Now, if a defensive player brushes up against an offensive player, the referee takes that player out and has him shot.

Again, I'm kidding. No, they reward the offense with several bonus yards, thereby making the hope of reaching the point spread more or less viable. And would someone please explain to me what a point spread is? Is it anything like a golfer's handicap? (Side note: my golf handicap is ME.)

But I digress.

The most urgent question on any football fan's mind has to be the question 'What will the quarterback do after he lands a multi-million dollar contract?' Heaven knows, he can't possibly live on such a meager salary so what's a poor fella to do? If he has a good agent, he goes on to score the most coveted position of his life – a commercial.

Football is played on a field that is 100 yards long and 53 yards wide. It is covered in something called "hash marks" so players can keep track of where the imaginary "1st & 10" spot is. It seems to be super important to the one running with the ball. If the referee deems that the player did not reach this invisible line, they get three more chances.

Wannabe players who spend their time on the sideline, aka the benchwarmers, hope the camera will focus on them so they can wave to their moms while waiting for the opportunity to dump icecold sports drinks down the back of their unsuspecting coach. It doesn't matter to them if it's 30 below zero. They've got to get some fun out of game day.

In college, the game is divided into 15 minute quarters, but don't let that fool you. In reality, each quarter can last several hours, based on how many commercials for beer, cars or insurance, timeouts, real injuries, fake injuries, etc. and instant replays they can squeeze in.

Instant replays are a vital part of the American football game. Each team lines up on an imaginary "line of scrimmage," the center passes the ball under his legs to the quarterback, and the quarterback hurls the ball to, hopefully, a member of his team called a receiver. The receiver may or may not catch the ball, the opposing team tackles him, they all fall down in a wad, and the referees immediately consult the little television on the sideline to determine what really happened. Replays can take longer than the actual ball game if the refs play their cards right. If the opposing coach disputes the call the refs can blame it on the little TV. Instant replays don't lie, right?

Now it's time for the halftime break so the players can retreat to the locker rooms for a “Win one for the Gipper” pep talk or a bawling out by the coach, depending on the score.

Finally, play resumes, and another couple of hours are killed by more commercials which are intermittently interrupted by the game.

Frankly, I prefer to watch our local high school football team duke it out with whatever teams have been signed up for the current season. I've never cared for sitting in the stands trying to watch a college football game. From the seats we can afford, the players look like tiny ants running around in random directions. Meanwhile, you'd better hope you have family members next to you since the square inches afforded each ticket holder makes for very close quarters. No wonder they sell so much beer at these games.

In conclusion, to paraphrase the Queen of Housewives: If a person watches more than three football games in a row, he or she should be declared legally brain dead and shipped off to that great big stadium in the sky.

Are you ready for some football?