I don't what comes over me. I'll be bopping along, happy as can be, hanging out with the grandkids, watching them play sports then BOOM sadness takes over and I start getting feelings of gloom and impending doom. I have discovered that all my depressive episodes can be traced to my terrified feeling of poverty. I honestly don't know where these feelings come from. Growing up we weren't rich, but we always had food, clothing, and a roof over our heads. Also, we didn't know if we were poor or not. At least I didn't. I've always been a go-withthe- flow type and figured what it is, is what it is. Neither bad nor good. Just is.
David and I have been blessed with the ability to always pay our bills on time, buy pretty much whatever we want, and have some left over. But still, I can't shake this feeling. It usually lasts a couple of weeks then I manage to shake it off. One can be in a depressive state just so long then something's gotta give.
You'd think my health battle of the last three years would be the source, wouldn't you? But it isn't. I've always been philosophical (delusional?) about my condition. I knew that it was only a matter of time before I would be stricken with cancer because almost everyone on my mom's side of the family has battled it in different forms. My aunt Ellen was the first to go when I was a teenager.
I'm the Queen when it comes to ignoring things I don't want to acknowledge, money being a biggie when it comes to failure to acknowledge. I freak out and bury my head in the proverbial sand. I've always been an 'ignore it and it'll go away' kinda gal but I don't know if it's going to work this time. It's not looking good.
Years ago, I tried antidepressants and hated them. They turned me into a couch potato zombie. I completely zoned out. It's not a good feeling. I've heard marijuana can help but I'm very reluctant to try it. I've never used anything like that and I'm not sure I'm up to trying it now since I don't smoke. I suppose I could try the gummies or some baked sweets, but I probably won't. I don't drink either although it's a tempting idea. I'm afraid I'd end up like one of my aunts. Her doctor told her to have a glass a wine in the evenings to help her relax. One glass eventually turned into one bottle. She was a sweetheart and my favorite aunt.
I do look forward to Sundays when the kids and grandkids come over, eat lunch and we spend the day playing games or just visiting. The boys still come to spend the night as often as they can. Them being a little on the obstreperous side, I had to make a rule that only two at a time could stay since all five of them at once takes way more energy than I possess at this time.
The girls are getting older, the youngest just turned 16, so tearing them away from their jobs, schooling or social lives is a battle. They're just too busy for their old Nana and Papa and I can't say I blame them.
We just spent a nice Sunday afternoon feeding and hanging with most of the family and it always boosts my spirits. Our son, two granddaughters, and two grandsons played a new word game, and we spent a lot of time laughing. They are always the best remedy a sad Nana can have.
Two of the grandsons are spending the night tonight and I'm getting my fill of 'Paw Patrol' (Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol, we'll be there on the double.), Blaze and the Monster Machines and SpongeBob SquarePants. I've also recorded several of the old Looney Toon cartoons I'm hoping I'll get them hooked. Nothing is better than watching cartoons I grew up watching with my grands.
If I can get Saul to slow down on peppering me with a million questions, I'll try to bribe them into watching my cartoons. (He's a curious little boy and a delight.) Who can be sad watching Bugs Bunny torment Elmer Fudd or Yosemite Sam? Or the coyote chasing the roadrunner? Or a blast from the past via the Flintstones or a glimpse of a hopeful future with the Jetsons?
You know what? I feel better already, and I was right. Depression IS a big waste of time. Now that I feel better, I think I'll try to wrestle the remote control away from the grandsons. I feel the need to watch the Jetsons coming on. Wish me luck; I'll need it. LOL