With Thanksgiving just around the corner, several first-time cooks are at a loss as to how to prepare a turkey for the holidays. Thankfully, there are helpful people manning the phones at the turkey hotline center who are ready to help.
Genevieve, the longest still sober employee of the Let's Talk Turkey Hotline, is an expert in her field. She has been answering these calls for about 30 years, so there isn't anything she hasn't heard. Let's listen in on a typical day as she 'talks turkey' with a hapless caller.
'Hello! You've reached Genevieve at the Let's Talk Turkey Hotline where we help you gobble up the season. How may I help you?'
'Yes, is this the turkey hotline lady?'
'Yes, it is! Who am I speaking with?'
'This is Janice. I'm making the Thanksgiving turkey for the first time, and I don't know where to start.'
'That's why I'm here. I'll walk you through it. First, have you thawed the turkey?'
'Jake did that for me. His friend told him you can thaw a turkey in the bathroom.'
'The bathtub works fine in a pinch.'
“He used the toilet” 'He used what?' 'He thawed it in the toilet. He just had changed the water by flushing every 30 minutes.'
'Did he at least scrub the toilet first and leave the turkey in the original packaging?'
'Okay. Remove it from the packaging, pat dry with paper towels, and remove the giblets.'
'What are giblets, and where do I find them?'
'It's the package that you'll find in the cavity containing the neck bone, gizzard, heart, and liver.'
'EWWWW. Do I throw them away?'
'You can, or you can boil them for gravy.'
'How do I make gravy?'
'We can cover that later. Let's concentrate on getting that turkey in the oven. To roast your turkey, pre-heat the oven to 325°. How big is your turkey?'
'It's about the size of my sister's six-monthold.'
'I meant, how much does it weigh?' 'I don't know.'
'There should be a tag on the package that tells you.'
'Is that important?' 'Yes.' Janice leaves and comes back a few minutes later.
'Marsha said John weighs 20 pounds.'
'My, he's a big one, isn't he? Do you have a thermometer? So you can tell when the turkey's done.'
'I think Marsha has one.'
'Good.' 'I'll go get it out of the diaper bag.'
'You can't use that kind of thermometer! It has to be a meat thermometer.'
'Oh.'
'Does the turkey have a red button on the side?'
'Let me look. Yes, it does. What's that for?'
'It'll pop up when the turkey's done. Is the oven pre-heated?'
'Hang on. You said to roast the turkey, but my oven only has broil and bake.'
'Put it on bake for approximately 15 minutes per pound. It will be fine. Is there anything else I can help you with?'
'Yes. How do I make gravy?'
'I suggest you buy a jar of pre- made gravy. It'll save a lot of time. Goodbye and have a happy holiday.'
'Thank you. Goodbye.'
'Hello! You've reached Genevieve at the Let's Talk Turkey Hotline where we help you gobble up the season. How may I help you?'
'Hello. I'm traveling from California to Colorado for Thanksgiving and bringing the turkey. Can I strap it to the roof of my car so it'll thaw before I get there? I need to start cooking it as soon as I arrive.'
'No. It wouldn't be a safe way to thaw it.'
'Okay, I'll figure it out. Goodbye.'
'Have a Happy Holiday.'
'Hello! You've reached Genevieve at the Let's Talk Turkey Hotline where we help you gobble, up the season. How may I help you?'
'Yes. My turkey has no breast. I'm upset since that's my favorite part.'
'What do you mean it has no breast? Did you purchase a turkey roll or a whole turkey?'
'A whole turkey.' 'Can you describe it for me?'
'Well, it's kinda flat on the top, but the bottom is round, and it won't stay upright when I put it in the pan.'
'Have you tried turning it over?'
'Hang on.' The caller picks that phone back up and says, 'Hey, it worked! The breast is back. Thank you so much!'
'My pleasure. Have a Happy Holiday.'
'George, take all the rest of my calls, please. I'm going to the nearest bar.'