The following are not my stories. They are ones on a social media page I follow called New Cranky Old Women.
1) I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's busy hitting the bottle.'
4) A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the ladies burst into shrieks, grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a policeman?'
'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring at me.
'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then toward the back of the van. Finally, he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
10) A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
The following are my stories: One evening our 9-yearold grandson Zane and I were trying to decide on what to fix for supper. We settled on tacos with a South American twist. I had suggested empanadas with a filling consisting of taco meat and cheese. Zane asked what an empanada was and after I explained he said, 'Oh, a PACO!' A pocket taco! I LOVED it and that's how the PACO was born. Several months ago, we came up with Star Tacos. They were made from Won Ton wrappers placed in a cupcake pan, 12 to the pan, and filled with, you guessed it, taco meat and cheese. The Grands named them Star Tacos because of the shape the wrappers took when stuffed into the cupcake pan.
I'm always looking for ideas for new ways to feed the Grands that are (1) quick, (2) easy, (3) inexpensive, (4) the kids can help with and (5) something a dozen Grands with different tastes can agree upon.
Malapropisms from the mouth of Zane: 'Look at me, Dad! I'm Amazon Prime!' (He meant Optimus Prime.) 'Nana, do you have any Papa John's cheese?' (We were eating spaghetti. He meant parmesan cheese).