[AKA Adventures in the Inedible]
I woke up in my room on what our nurse-to-be granddaughter referred to as the 'med surg' floor, strung up like they were afraid I might get the notion to escape. I was hooked up to one of those poles with all the mystery bags hanging off and running directly into my right hand. Do they put it in your predominant hand to keep you held hostage? They also had a cannula stuck in my nose. I hate those darn things.
Although it's pretty impossible to be comfortable in a hospital room, the drugs certainly help. The nurses would parade in every few minutes to make sure I didn't get too much sleep. The first one came to take my 'vitals,' which consisted of wrapping my arm in a plastic sleeve and pumping it up until it felt like it was going to squeeze my arm in half, meanwhile she shoved a little plastic clip on my ice-cold finger and wondered why my blood oxygen was so low.
As soon as she left, another one would trot in with a cup full of pills. I gave up asking what they all were for. I couldn't remember anyway and by now no longer cared. This went on several times a day and night. In between, another person would come in and draw blood from my free arm. It's a wonder I have any left. There sure wasn't any in my fingers. I blended right in with the sheet, that's how pale I was.
One thing that has improved, I guess, since I was in the hospital way back in the olden days is the "Hospital Menu." It listed a variety of foods, and we were expected to call in our order for each meal. It only took me two days to become cognizant enough to look at the menu and find the phone. Believe it or not, there's still an old-fashioned phone in the room. The only problem is there isn't enough room on the tray table to accommodate it.
Anyway, when I did finally decide I felt adventurous enough to order this is pretty much how it went:
Room Service: This is room service. Mary speaking
Ṁe: This is room 281. I'd like the roast beef.
RS: You can't have the roast beef, but you can have the meatloaf.
(Apparently, I was on a restricted diet I was unaware of.)
Me: Okay. I'd also like French fries (the sides were extremely limited).
RS: You can't have French fries, but you can have mashed potatoes.
Me: Okay.
RS: Would you like gravy?
Me: White, please.
RS: We only have brown.
Me: Okay, no gravy. I'd like corn, please.
RS: We're out of corn. Would you like carrots, green beans, or peas?
Me: Carrots. (The next night there were out of car rots and had corn again.) Can I have a hot roll?
RS: You can't have a hot roll, but you can have a slice of white bread that contains no nutritional value. (I threw in that last bit.)
Me: I'd also like a piece of cherry pie.
RS: You can't have cherry pie, but you can have angel food cake.
(The 'angel food' cake was cleverly disguised as pound cake. I think.)
Me: Okay. P.S. The potatoes came with white gravy.
This is how it went almost every meal until the last day. No matter what I ordered, it was forbidden. It would have been so much simpler and faster if they have just told me what I could have. Or better yet just surprised me. It couldn't have been any worse.
They also managed to make most of it look pretty unappetizing. One morning I ordered French toast and bacon. I figured they surely couldn't mess up French toast, could they? They could.
I was forbidden bacon, but RS told me I could have ham. The 'ham' was chopped into tiny pieces with maybe some kind of gravy. I didn't have the nerve to taste it. It looked recycled if you get my drift. I don't know what they thought I was in for, but everything came chopped into unrecognizable, unappetizing mush.
It didn't matter anyway. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't eat anything. Maybe I should have stuck around for a few more weeks. I might have lost a few pounds.
But I digress. Much to my chagrin, the little outpatient procedure that was supposed to have me home in my own little bed by late afternoon of the same day had morphed into a fiveday, four-night stay. I guess I was such an ideal patient (with really good insurance), they just couldn't let me go.
I will say this though, the staff were all very helpful, patient, and kind and I hope I don't see any of them again anytime soon.